| dream - |
[04 Oct 2006|12:44am] |
I had a dream last night, I remembered while I was pushing along mission beach, moon squinting, salt in the air and sand under wheel. I remembered the dream or more an exchange that took place...
Someone said something to me in the dream, when I took in their words I felt whole, satori whole. Perfect in every way. I felt light, I felt a way I haven't felt in a long time.
I could remember the feeling in that moment not whole just a taste and in stark contrast to how I felt awake, the contrast was/is sickening.
It's not like, it's not my life. It's my head.
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| been a while |
[02 Oct 2006|01:00pm] |
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Haven't posted in a while. Here is my status.
Married
Working for Silverfish full time.
Skating a good bit.
that's about it... how are you?
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[23 Apr 2006|07:05pm] |
To my scottish bro' that just hit me up, seriously man send us in a scene report.
Okay my life...
Getting married in 4 months.
Working fulltime for the 'fish.
Also doing on call comp work.
Not making much money.
We are moving after the wedding.
Traveling for a year then back in SD.
I have a SW fish tank.
I have fish dreams again.
My skating is getting much more diverse.
We have a good crew.
Skated 17 miles yesterday.
I am sore salty and sunned.
Happy stuff.
My fish tank has given me something other than skating and work to kinda direct my attention too. It's good to have a responsibility that doesn't really have any effect on making me money. Which is really cool. I run with a really solid group now with the NBS very multidiscplined and picking up new skaters all the time. The new skaters get good fast helping to push me I have started 100% bombing again and have increased my slide skillset by like 5 slides in the past month. Now working on laybacks, standups and solid toesides.
Silverfish is blowing the f'up we get 5,000 unique a day on ave and about 50,000 page views. We should have 5,000 members by next month or so and we are getting lots of recognition which is cool. It's nice to hear vendors and other riders speak complementary about what we are doing, it's hard to gauge cause it's an uncharted deal.
My girl, my life is sweet. Planning the wedding has not really been a pain, I puked after the cake tasting and my mo-in-law wants me to wear a jacket to the wedding but other than that smooth sailing. Now I just need to write my vows.
Not so happy stuff.
Yea silverfish is huge and we put LOTS of time into it, but as a full time job it doens't pay well and with my comp job on the side slow I am in dire straights with money. I have yet to miss a payment but it could get bad if I don't figure something out. Now I don't want to SELL any PRODUCT from the fish cause I know that would breing my objectivity into question, however. We need to do something to bring in a steady income. I'm working on some things but I want all SF members to know that we will never take anything away that was free in the first place. I would like a subscription level of membership to be available but to make the benefits way more than pay for themselved. Kinda like paying 20$ to get into an outlaw race where you get 50$ worth of swag even if you loose. We have the ability it's just how to accomplish it? Baby steps, I don't want to sell decks, don't want to over advertise, so honestly I feel it is our best bet to give them something worth a donation or subscription.
F'acking Polotiks! Man I never wanted to get into it this seriously, but once someone has a company f'd up shit tends to happen to their heads, once the ownership happens. Idono man they loose their soul. I hope this never happens to me. I can't even describe my bellacose feelings for S9 and it's not the product, it's the company, the people that run it. I can't post how I feel on SF, I more or less have a voluntary gag order to keep me from getting involved with shit. I don't see companies, I see people, I have met lots of company owners that are not like that so it comes down to me as; who do you want to ride with? Then there is the age old competition don't bad mouth other companies to me, please don't cause lots of these people are my friends, I don't preach to you about how I feel about S9 so do me a favor and have some dignity and do the same. Compete in the market, not in person. It's funny to get all worked up about this BS, when I go back and read what I just wrote here... It'doesn't matter... it really doesn't, cause it's the ride and thats the only reason I do what I do... It's a singularity and it's mental whiteout for the BS, top of the hill bottom of the hill and each time a new ride.
Does the good outweigh the bad, hell yea. Am I worried about money, honestly? I've been in worse situations, and this time... It's not what loves you, it's what you love. I sure as hell have some powerful passion in my life, and my naivity and tenacity go hand in hand, even if some days I feel like I am using my forehead to find studs in drywall. I will stick with it.
Hope you guys are well...
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| honsetly |
[08 Feb 2006|01:23am] |
My journal may be dead... this isn't a I'm sick of LJ post
it's just the honest truth
I quit my job
I'm engaged
SF is really a full time gig
I don't know what more to tell you, if we hung out I would fill you in, share a cup of tea and tell you the crazy shit that's gone down. But I don't have the words for it, I will say the past has a funny way of preparing you for the future.
I don't write for cathartic reasons, I write too much to do that...
idono
I guess I just wanted to say hey
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[13 Dec 2005|03:06am] |
Yea I finished the edit of the slide contest video
it's a half an hour
I'm sick of lookin at the footage
However the collection of skills there UNREAL
I did kungfu, taichi and paqua tonight
my knee didn't rupture the scab held tight I was sore, I think a great deal of my recent misery has been because of my knee, I can't skate like I want I can't work out... ehhhh flesh heals man. It's no worries I just have a bad habit of not letting myself heal.
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[10 Dec 2005|03:02am] |
Hey if you want some... how I felt about the slide comp check this
http://www.silverfishlongboarding.com/article.php?story=20051209050508140
I'm brainless 10 hours on the road today, saw the LA crew, had good talks, my friends are my soul even from afar things are always the same.
I bought a ring last week, for her, called her parents asked for their blessing. I will be proposing soon...
This is life, this is my scratchy eyeballs wanting to close, this is my swollen knee bleeding the pain out.
Valerian tea will slow me down, calm me, still my mind.
I miss my sifu,
I need to learn to live with this lonliness if I expect to make this work, I love her I truly due but in my soul, they tell me things, tell me this isn't for me, tell me I don't belong... I am thinking of seeing a counselor er someone, just to talk to. I respect my skate crew, I love my girl but I don't have friends here, not friends like that.
I'm slipping I have been for a while and if I can't let it out. They eat me. Granted they write my articles, They do my job, They know how to survive in a way I don't but I can't allow them free reign. They... It's sustainability I am working towards and that is one thing they do not know. They want to burn me out to drag me down it's all a matter of time if I don't do something. The longboard writing for SF is not cathartic in the way I need. Skating is an outlet but you can't do 45mph 24 hours a day, Kung Fu is an outlet but I can't do it on the reg like I would like to.
I either need to medicate, write more catharic pieces or see someone to talk to about this. I made the decision to go off my meds, medicating with weed and drinking them into submission worked for a while but it took its toll. I know what my options are, and at stake is now more than my life. It's our life together and I want to share with her as much as I can my remaining time in this dispensation with her.
I love her I always have since the first time I saw her. She knows me and always have and I know I deserve her. I just want to rid myself of this misery, Of all the things I want to share with her, it's not one of them.
Maybe I am just being melodramatic, Yea that could be.
When it comes down to it life, my life, our life is truly blessed...
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| SlideFest 05 |
[03 Dec 2005|12:51am] |
I came in 5th in the open class for the slopestyle comp
6th for the open class long slide with 102 feet
way better than I expected
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[18 Nov 2005|08:46pm] |
I feel like I am getting sick.
Tea and sleep is what I need.
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[17 Nov 2005|09:10pm] |
in the same day I paid off all my debt (minus the car)
got published in CW (my own article)
and had a Bannana Bay session with 16 riders (4 randoms)
it was a damn good day...
and then... well some shit happened (or more specificly I found out about it)
it didn't ruin my day but it took me down a few pegs, reminded of how precious life really is and how sadly, truly sadly the above things matter little when loved ones are in harms way. Not like in the path of a car harms way, more like sickie in the hospital harms way. Holy crap I felt selfish, but the momentary enjoyment of accomplishment was well, well tarnished by the resulting news. Everthing is okay now, wrongs set right and peoples recovering with proper breath.
Today at the hospital fox thought I was mad because I had to take my day off, not skating for the Grav comp, instead to do this. My frustration was not for the lack of my days long planned session, although shifting from sliding a 44" to a 38" is in itself quite a humbling expirience. My frustration was more... How selfish and wrapped up I am.
My tenacity which all through life has masked my actual, well folks. I'm retarded, window licker retarded. There I said it. I have made up for it by my blind dedication and focus which hurtles me foreward. Sadly this my one shining trait also makes me dog blind oblivious to almost anything not directly under my nose, I feel sometimes like I am observing life through a microscope seeing only the microcosm of life right before me.
Yesterday I caught a glimpse of what happens when I observe with my blinded eyes something that really matters. Life is such a fragile thing, but by living it we become eternal.
Welcome to earth little August Henry, Your first few days may have sucked, but I'll tell you something my pops told me that opened my eyes. "No matter what, it only gets better" Just keep living boy and you will see just as I did, how very right those words are
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[16 Nov 2005|05:12pm] |
thats it, I'm published in Concrete Wave Magazine, not like a liner article or on the silverfish page, Like a straight up article. Go buy Concrete Wave today.
I got a pdf of the article here http://www.concretewavemagazine.com/article_V04N03_sliding.pdf
I'm stoked, very much so indeed
there are typos and things I wish I had changed but...
the hardest part is over, I've gotten lots of feedback but I would love to know what you think...
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| tings |
[08 Nov 2005|10:05pm] |
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the hum |
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doing kung fu saw a shooting star blaze across the star, it's on thing to see a shooting star streak when lazily scanning the heavens, a who nother thing to catch on mid spin kick on an arid plane dust rising and sweat baking on skin as the glow brightens awareness for a second.
woke to realize I was parked three blocks away, grabbed my deck and skated the back alleys of ob to my car. Skating allong then >brazzzzzp< a large raven falles from the sky, twitching and convulsing in a last chance dance, a cat from the alleys pounces not sure what to make of his literal feast fall. Blood splattering the hot crete as his twitches stall. There is nothing I could do for him as death his final perch the tabby grew nearer licking it's chops. There is an analogy I choose not to share.
The silverfish thing is worked out, so now it's back to business with quite an added furvor, I really like being a part of this and the ability to do something I love and to give back is killer. It's a partnership and we all work well together. We settled on a deal I feel is very fair and I expect good things to come of this. We are doing an auction of all our tested gear for B4BC. Should work out well. What is in store, awesome stuff.
Spoke to Rob Moult Sales and Promotions from Sector9, he said he had not the time for us and sector 9 liked being the captains of their own ship. A heavyweight is what they feel they are in the industry and all I say to that is obesity kills, he said he didn't need our opinion or support and likened us to NCDSA (if you didn't know NCDSA has black listed SF), Sector 9 and to a lesser degree their dual entity have survived on image for quite a while and only recently added the Platinum series to thier lineup. They say this is a high performance line, my words to Rob were simply "thank for putting randals on some of your decks" the bare minimum is what Sector 9 does. I agree it's good to get riders riding. Sector 9 or otherwise but when you tell me that you have no interest in the free advertising and promotional outlet that we provide, when you say that you have nothing to contribute to what we are providing to longboarding in general? All I think of that is that the basis of your advertising control so far has been a dualistic model that utilizes a blanket of over advertising and promoting a stale stokeful (although in truth stokeless) image to maintain control.
Sector 9 is not the only game in town and although I have heard people say that they provide support and life blood to longboarding I have never seen proof of that. Rob tried to no sound condescending or rude but it is the nature of his disregard for what we are trying to provide that left me with a lasting impression.
I have had a very tragic display of fabric of character from sector 9 and on a more personal level Rob himself. To the tune of my mind my only thoughts on Sector 9 is that they are becomming sad little kings of sad little hills.
I have no qualms with Sector 9 decks, I don't own any and even more so now will not ever. My problem is with their blizzard ad tactics and mock corporate image which when peeled away leave a even more sickening draconian visage under it.
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[31 Oct 2005|03:24pm] |
I just got cheated out of a pie eating contest, I so won it...
happy halloween
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| when things happen they happen fast... |
[04 Oct 2005|05:40pm] |
I was working on my forum profile for cyberdojo and I came across this,
"If you aren't remembered, then you never existed."
Part of the reason I document is fear, fear that my "sickness" portrays my life in a false light, I write to assure myself that yes, this happened, this is real. It's the realness that my life has never had that I try to piece together with mortar of thoughts and images.
That being said, CyberDojo is back, the proto site MAY go live next week, all of the hard content from the old CD is still there it's missing some of the heart and soul of the old site, but crap man! I posted half of the code in CD between 97-01 so it is baaaaadly outdated.
http://www.cyberdojo.com/dojai
Please check it out and let me know what you think. The forum is a ghost town but hopefully that will change.
I rode with Sergio Yuppie, Fabrice, one of his bro's from Montreal and Bream from Gravity. In less than a year I have met and ridden with almost all of the people I truly admire in the downhill community. Now all I have to do is get across the pond and Skate with Rich from Lush, Alex and Chris from Faltown. Not dreams man, this is life. I have proof...
Watching Sergio and F skate del mar ave with the NBS was sick and I documented it for SF
http://www.silverfishlongboarding.com/article.php?story=20051003160053669
check it out, having an editor is awesome :)
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[25 Sep 2005|01:43am] |
had a friend on my couch for a week, broken hip
yea I guess the fact of the matter is I like helping...
I'm tired, my brain hurst these days
I am always thinking, always writing
or thinking of writing
skating...
what do I do?
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| oh yea |
[13 Sep 2005|01:12am] |
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And first real published article in CW, check page 44 I wrote it but it was highly polished by Marcus and Ebasil
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[11 Sep 2005|04:18pm] |
yea....
ASR...
Mixed Feelings,
More to come...
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| Fear and Loathing At ASR or Where the heart of longboarding is? |
[10 Sep 2005|12:31am] |
I apologize in advance, it has been a long day I am delirious. This is P1 of my ASR adventure, Obcurity is indeed intended ask if you have questions...
Where is the heart of longboarding, awoken by an alarm clock too tired to tell the correct time, caught in the smallest traffic jam I have ever seen. I drop the pedal to get where I am going a short distance but it makes me feel good. Why would it return ten dollars in change in one dollar coins? I got to the convention front after climbing the mount a cascade of stairs and a sullen san diego awoken yet not yet awake shines down on me with bleary eyes. I reach my attorney and he advises me to check into the press office, no lines and a mis spelled and I am wandering into a cacophony of sound a cascade of ambient ignorance hits me like a head high flying bi plane. The labels, the people and the culture. Bigger, Badder and More pomp! And I within the storm I followed my attorney as we made rounds vaulting from one display to the next some of them larger and more intimidating than Babylon itself. The cost I am told more is than I can call my income, and then we have the outcome. I quickly got into the groove after a few admonishments from my advisor and trusted attorney. I run like a high mountain goat, bolt from shiny glimmer of bling and back almost incomprehensible is my path. I get past the foam, past the breakers of the convention and there I am riding the swells.
We drop by a couple cool booths OS3 is one of the first a solid assortment of planks and decks the newly transitioned line is running revenges which I had ridden the night before. The carve booth, a deck that blasted the gimmick sensors with solid quality rides. I look foreword to testing out a carve board. Ninja used the line “fastest, quietest” the second I hear that I want to bolt, claims are claims but the man talks to my attorney and the shop talk blinds me while I choose to drop my bag for a minute and just talk to one of the many people of our tribe I found there. Many faces known to the culture currently risen like the phoenix of old claiming willingly or begrudgingly their fame be it re-fleeting or not. The old star booth was cool. As was sandiegospeed.com a 75$ entry level complete! Saw a bunch of “it doesn’t exist let’s make it an sell it” more ess style snake board rip offs than I can count and a killer swiss? Deathtrap “segway for the lazy that almost ate Ebasil.
GFhurley provided our safe bastion from the storm, they seemed to get a good deal of interest and as they should, I met Jshaw a solid and upstanding guy regardless of the perceptions some would have, I began to wake with the second energy drink or maybe the first. They as well as many others I met, OS3, Old Star, Carve, Carver and many more seem to be the veritable tenders of the fire the man bold enough to go into the cold darn night yet not vanishing but yet emerging again with tinder and stoke ready to provide the way to enlightenment by future ventures that can now be due to there aforementioned forays. Creation, not stagnation my bredren.
I forgot time and forgetting the rollers I was swept by a freak wave that deposited me in front of the monolith which I spoke of. A veritable obelisk of ignorance if you will the good men at the gate. A tragic sector to not be accepted at to think that those that come to pass on the words and images that truly give life to knowledge must be barred from entry Make jibes and cuts, we fend a dodge. Why would you wear suits and to not be allowing us into into the domain? My tragic mammalian brain battles with this conundrum as yet again my attorney eloquently asserts our desires. What do you do for these your fellow men, if in fact you don’t let them in? Our knocks at the gate go unheeded and with a smarmy regard we resign to the fact that sometimes to pretend is to become. Try not to portray the image my friend, be it in fact true. I later offer to the keepers of the gate my own standing ovation a true statement and salute to the fact that they will be received as represented.
Many more fuzzy slippers, black box shades and boards of every hue shape and discipline later, we find our selves floating again this time adrift caught in the kelp clutches of the dregs of the Sargasso sea. I see a boat and draw near a battle pirate and buccaneer. My exclamations go unheeded I speak in a foreign tongue. I grasp at my mouth hoping to find English still imprinted as my native voice, The return of the statements seems to offend and understanding is not far off yet still somehow, the scent of violence is very real indeed. The buccaneer and pirate parlay and I in no regard for the understanding of tack in the circumstance, firmly implant my foot into my own mouth. Yet maybe sometimes, in fact in my delirious state it seems I had managed though the use of shameful smattering of timid introversion managed something that may have glittered. Indeed although it could be the ignorance and delusions that cause mirages of islands to spring from the horizon.
The dichotomy of two states of being, the elusive dictatorship high atop the mountain with clouds and maidens, while here we have a rogue while different in context still voice although in different tongues present the same response. I say a man approachable while pirate may be is still toe to toe while not on high if I had to be a betting man. I’d be broke and lonely. The agreement in kind on the end of the rogue presents a belief that in fact change can be made but it has to be done for the good of those that we serve this is not for I. In fact to take insult is not of my mind. I will try again and if thrown from the plank or excluded even more for the sanctity of the tower. I will try, bloody and beaten. With entrails following my path being gnawed on by so many beasts of the retail wasteland, I will try.
We watched the Bob Burnquist movie, I don’t understand bam, base jumping is awesome and dedication to what you do is wholly commendable even if he is superman. He said something that sparked in my mind like my shorted out flash card. “Surrounded by so many amazing people” it’s a corkscrew no less and I do this no comparison true. Not inverted or with pads but all the same blaze a path foreword into what has not been done. I am thankful to those around me that I can do what I will. To have the ability to do and that to know I am supported I am feeling happy as I take the hard turn in the garage I blast into a heelside carve sadly not deftly as it is, and a cup of mystery liquid (I thought you weren’t going to do that again) explodes. I am drenched and wet it doesn’t smell like soda or beer so I sniff intently. “why would you sniff it if you thought it was urine” why indeed and on that train of thought why would we beg entrance to the palace keep. Or approach a pirate on his seas? Curiosity my friend, I want to know. That is where I found the heart of longboarding watching as my attorney drove off into the night sitting there sniffing the mystery liquid dripping from my helmet. The curiosity to see how it will ride, to see how tight the carve, how fast the board and how high the soul will rise when allowed to wander into the hills of the unknown. It’s not stagnation that increases the soul it is the drive fueled by this curiosity. With that in mind I drove home and immediately jumped in the shower. The unknown may be what fuels stoke but not when it is soaking on your skin.
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